Harvard Positive Psychology 21 Relationship and Self-esteem
You know this story about Gertrude Stein, and she was taking philosophy class with William James, right here in the Art.
你们都听过格特鲁德.斯泰因的这个故事，她那时上William James的哲学课，就在哈佛拉德克利夫学院。
And they had their final exam. And it was spring semester course. And she comes into the exam. And it’s a day like today.
要期末考试了，她上的是春季班，她来到考场，就跟今天一样是个晴朗的日子。
And the exam is about metaphysics, and the meaning of life. So she opens the exam and writes, “Today is too beautiful a day to take an exam.” And she walks out.
于是她打开试卷，写道：“多么美好的一天，不应该浪费在考试上。”然后走出了教室。
And you know, as legend has it of course she gets a straight A in William James’ class.
而且传说William James的课程她全A通过。
Don’t use that as an example or an excuse later on in this semester. But I really appreciate you being here today.
本学期考试时不要学她或者拿她当借口，不过我真的很感谢各位今天出席。
It is a beautiful day, I was thinking of having the class outside, but I think…maybe we should. Yeah.
今天天气非常好，我想过要到户外上课的，不过...也许我们应该去的，是的。
What we are going to do today is finish up on relationships, we have just a little to go, and then start with our final topic for the course, which is self-esteem.
今天我们要讲完爱情，还差一点就讲完了，然后我们会开始讲本课程最后一个话题，也就是自尊。
So let me just recap what we did when we discussed relationships. 先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容。
So we talked about how do we given our natures, how do we attain, how do we sustain lasting love, lasting passion when it seems on the physiological level at least, that our natures are not attuned to that
approach.
先回顾一下上回讲到的关于爱情的内容。我讲到了人类要如何...考虑到人的本性，人类要如何获得，维持长久的爱情与激情，因为从心理学角度看，这似乎有违人的本性。
And we talked about when studying the best relationships, the “tip of the stem” four characteristics, based on the work of David Schnarch and John Gottman.
当我们讲到研究那些最成功的恋情时，最成功的恋情有四个特点，根据David Schnarch和John Gottman的研究发现的。
The first one is: relationship is the hard work. It’s an illusion to think that the most important thing is finding the right relationship. It is more important to cultivate that one chosen relationship.
第一条是：经营爱情需要付出努力。人们往往误以为寻找最合适的爱情对象是最重要的，其实更重要的是如何经营你选择的爱情。
And just like we would not thrive, succeed at work, if we said, ”Well, I just found my dream job.” And the put our legs up and relax.
就跟工作一样，如果我们找到了梦想中的工作，然后翘起腿，什么也不做，是不可能成功的。
Similarly we would not thrive in a relationship, if we have the finding mindset. We just need to find it and we will live happily ever after, as we talked about movies and where love begins.
同样的，如果我们在一段恋情中抱有寻找心态，我们的恋情也不会成功。以为只要找到爱情就能幸福地生活下去，我们说过，电影结束时，正是爱情刚开始时。
The second component of a healthy, lasting and passionate relationship related to the first one is the notion of being known rather than being validated.
一段健康长久充满激情的爱情中的第二个组成部分，跟第一个有关联，我们要被了解，而不是被认可。
Expressing rather than impressing, being open, revealing our weaknesses as well as our strengths, our desires, our passions, our passions, our fears and insecurities.
表达自己，而不是粉饰自己，坦开心扉，坦诚自己的弱点，优点，渴望，热情，恐惧与不安。
And relationships that do, or partners that do that within a relationship, over time attain higher and higher levels of intimacy, happiness, and they thrive, and they remain maintain their passion, this is the second
component.
这样的爱情，恋爱中的双方如果这样做了，会渐渐变得更加亲密，更加快乐，感情更好，激情不衰，这是第二个组成部分。
The third component of a healthy relationship is that there are conflicts there. It is an illusion to believe that the ideal relationship is one that is conflict free that doesn’t exist, unless both partners are suppressing serious issues.
健康爱情的第三个组成部分是，冲突是不可避免的，人们往往误以为理想的爱情没有冲突，这是不可能的，除非双方都在刻意躲避严重的问题。
So there are conflicts in relationships. The challenge is to have more positivity than negativity of course in a relationship, but also to learn how to be in the midst of disagreement, how to have conflict.
所以爱情中时有冲突发生。当然在一段恋情中，我们的挑战就是要让积极大于消极的，而且要学会如何应对分歧应对冲突。
And finally, the fourth point that we talked about was positive perception, being a benefit finder, and more than that, being a benefit creator. 最后，第四点是积极认知，要做优点感知者，不仅如此还要创造优点。
哈佛大学幸福课21课中英文双语字幕笔记
