Not so long ago, most parents wanted their kids to be like everybody else. They were often as upset if a child were precocious as they were if the child were slow. Precocity was looked upon as being bad for the child’s psychological health. The assumption was “early ripe, early rot.”
Now that has changed. For many parents today there is no such thing as going too fast, and their major concern is that their child stay ahead of the pack. Far from presuming that precocity has bad effects psychologically, they believe that being above the norm brings many benefits. The assumption is “early ripe, early rich!”
The major consequence of this new parenting psychology is that many contemporary parents are putting tremendous pressure on children to perform at ever-earlier ages. A first grade teacher told me that an angry mother screamed at her because she had given the woman’s son a “Satisfactory.” “How is he ever going to get into M.I.T. if you give him a ‘Satisfactory?’” the mother wailed.
Many parents now enroll their child in prestigious nursery schools as soon as the pregnancy is confirmed. And once the child is old enough, they coach the child for the screening interview. “When they count everything in sight,” one nursery school director said, “you know they have been drilled before the interview.” Parents believe that only if the child gets into this or that prestigious nursery school will he or she ever have a chance at getting into Harvard, Yale, or Stanford. For the same reason, our elementary schools are suddenly filled with youngsters in enriched and accelerated programs.
It is not just in academic study that children are being pushed harder at ever-earlier ages. Some parents start their preschool children in sports such as tennis and swimming in hopes that they will become Olympic athletes. A young man who attended one of my child development lectures stopped by afterward to ask me a question. He works as a tennis instructor at an exclusive resort hotel in Florida and wanted to know how to motivate his students. When I asked how old they were he told me that they ranged in age from three to five years!
The pressure to make ordinary children exceptional has become almost an epidemic in sports. I had high hopes for soccer, which can be played by all makes and models of children, big, small, and in between. But in most states soccer has become as competitive and selective as baseball, football, and hockey. The star mentality prevails, and the less talented youngster simply doesn’t get to participate. Play is out and competition is in.
The pressure for exceptionality is equally powerful at the secondary level. High school students are pressured not only to get good grades but to get into as many advanced-placement classes as possible. Around the country private tutoring centers are sprouting up like dandelions in the spring, offering lessons in everything from beginning reading to taking college entrance exams. Other parents urge their children to start dating at an early age so that they will have good interpersonal skills and a better chance to win the most eligible mates.
Clearly, there is nothing wrong with wanting children to do their best. It is not the normal, healthy desire of parents to have successful children that is the problem, but the excessive pressure some parents are putting on children.
Why this push for excellence? Since parents today are having fewer children their chances of having “a child to be proud of” are lower than when families were larger. The cost of child rearing has also increased dramatically, so a successful child also protects one’s investment. But most of all, many of today’s parents have carved out their own successful careers and feel very much in
charge of their lives. They see no reason they should not take charge of child rearing in the same manner and with the same success. A successful child is the ultimate proof of their success.
The result is that many parents are far too intrusive. By deciding what and when children should learn, they rob them of the opportunity to take the initiative, to take responsibility for their mistakes and credit for their achievements. Such practices run the risk of producing children who are dependent and lacking in self-esteem. Today’s parents want super kids, but what they are often getting are super problems.
Although correlation is certainly not causation, it is hard not to connect the reported increase in stress symptoms over the last decade with the pressure on today’s children to be super kids. The stories I hear as I travel about the country are frightening. A girl who was involved in four different out-of-school activities (ballet, horseback riding, Brownies, and music lessons) developed severe facial tics at age eight. Irving Sigel of Educational Testing Service tells
the story of a six-year-old who, while doing her homework, asked her mother, “If I don’t get there right, will you kill me?” A woman told me that her seven-year-old grandson ran away from home (and all the after-school lessons) and came to her house, where he could have milk and cookies and play with the dog. One mother asked me if I could cure her six-year-old son of his nail biting by hypnosis or by teaching him relaxation. When I suggested that a less demanding extracurricular program might help, she replied, “Oh no, we can’t do that.”
Such child behavior problems are symptomatic of our times. Our trouble is that we always seem to go to extremes. Parents are either too permissive or too pushy. Healthy child rearing demands a middle ground. Certainly we need to make demands on our children. But they have to be tailored to the child’s interests and abilities. We put our children at risk for short-term stress disorders and long-term personality problems when we ignore their individuality and impose our own priorities “for their own good.”
I believe that we need to abandon the false notions that we can create exceptional children by early instruction, and that such children are symbols of our competence as parents. And I believe we should be as concerned with character as with success. If we have reared a well-mannered, good, and decent person, we should take pleasure and pride in that fact. More likely than not, if we have achieved those goals, the child’s success will take care of itself. Each child has a unique pattern of qualities and abilities that makes him or her special. In this sense, every single child is a super kid.
不久以前,大多数父母希望他们的孩子能像其他人一样。他们经常沮丧如果一个孩子是早熟的,因为他们是如果孩子是缓慢的。早熟看作是不利于孩子的心理健康。假设是“成熟的早期,早期腐烂。”
现在已经改变了。今天许多家长没有所谓的走得太快,和他们主要关心的是他们的孩子保持领先地位。远的早熟不良影响心理,他们认为被10个以上的百分点带来很多好处。的假设是“早成熟,早发财了!”
这种新的教育心理学的主要结果是,许多当代父母给孩子巨大的压力来执行在不断的年龄。一年级的老师告诉我,一个愤怒的母亲大喊大叫,因为她给了那个女人的儿子“令人满意。”“他会进入麻省理工学院,如果你给他一个满意的吗?”妈妈大声哭叫。
现在许多父母让他们的孩子参加著名幼儿园一旦怀孕证实。一旦孩子长大,他们教练的孩子筛选面试。“当他们数数,“幼儿园主任说,“你知道他们已经钻在面试前。“父母认为只有在孩子
进入这个或那个著名的幼儿园,他或她会有机会进入哈佛,耶鲁,斯坦福。出于同样的原因,我们的小学突然充满了年轻人在丰富和加速程序。
不仅仅是在学术研究中,孩子们正在推动难度在不断。一些家长开始他们的学龄前儿童在网球和游泳等运动,希望他们将成为奥林匹克运动员。一个年轻人参加我的一个儿童发展讲座之后停在问我一个问题。他是一个网球教练在佛罗里达和独家度假酒店想知道如何激励他的学生。当我问他告诉我他们的年龄有多大年龄从三到五年!
让普通的孩子特殊的压力几乎已经成为一种流行的运动。我对足球抱有很高的期望,可以由所有机型的儿童,大,小,。但在大多数州足球已经成为竞争和选择性棒球、足球和曲棍球。明星心态盛行,那么有才华的年轻人根本不会参与。和竞争是在玩。
例外的压力同样强大的在二级水平。高中学生的压力不仅取得好成绩,进入尽可能多的高阶课程。全国各地的私人家教中心如雨后春笋般在春天像蒲公英,提供课程从开始阅读,参加大学入学考试。其他父母督促他们的孩子从小就开始约会,这样他们会有良好的人际交往能力,更有机会赢得最合格的伴侣。
显然,没什么错希望孩子做他们最好的。这不是正常的,健康的父母希望有成功的孩子,是这个问题,但是一些父母把孩子过多的压力。
为什么是这个推动卓越?因为父母今天是少生孩子的机会有“一个值得骄傲的孩子”低于当家庭大。抚养孩子的成本也急剧增加,所以一个成功的孩子也保护你的投资。但最重要的是,今天的许多父母已经开拓出自己的成功事业和感到非常负责他们的生活。他们认为没有理由不应该负责抚养孩子以同样的方式和相同的成功。一个成功的孩子的最终证明他们的成功。 其结果是,许多家长都伸得过长。决定,当孩子们应该学习什么,他们抢劫的机会采取主动,为自己的错误承担责任,他们的成就。这种做法的风险产生依赖、缺乏自尊的孩子。今天的父母希望超级小孩,但他们往往变得超级问题。
虽然相关性当然不是因果关系,很难不把报道增加压力症状在过去的十年里,今天的孩子们的压力是超级的孩子。我听到的故事,我对这个国家旅行是令人恐惧的。一个女孩参与四个不同的课外活动(芭蕾、骑马、巧克力和音乐课程)8岁患上严重的面部抽搐。欧文告诉Sigel教育测试服务
一个6岁小孩的故事,在做她的家庭作业,问她妈妈:“如果我不去吧,你会杀了我吗?”一个女人告诉我,她7岁的孙子离家出走(和所有的课外课程),来到她的房子,在那里他可以有牛奶和饼干,和狗狗玩。一位母亲问我如果我能治好她六岁的儿子他咬指甲的催眠或教他放松。当我建议少要求课外项目有帮助的,她回答说:“哦,不,我们不能这样做。”
这样的儿童行为问题是我们这个时代的表征。我们的问题是,我们似乎总是走极端。父母不是太宽容或太爱出风头。健康的抚养孩子需要一个中间立场。当然我们需要要求我们的孩子。但是他们必须根据孩子的兴趣和能力。我们把孩子的风险短期压力失调和长期的个性问题当我们忽略自己的个性和对自己的优先”为自己的好。”
我相信我们需要放弃错误的观念,我们可以创建特殊儿童早期指令,和这样的孩子我们为人父母的能力的象征。我相信我们应该关心字符与成功。如果我们有饲养彬彬有礼,好,不错的人,我们应该快乐和骄傲在这一事实。更有可能的是,如果我们实现了目标,会照顾自己孩子的成功。每个孩子都有一个独特的品质和能力的模式,使他或她的特别。从这个意义上说,每一个孩子是一个超级小孩。
super kids and superproblems
