牛津上海版优质中考冲刺基础讲义3(作文词句改写)教师版

学员编号： 年 级：初三 课 时 数： 3 学员姓名： 辅导科目：英语 学科教师： 授课类型 C(作文评分标准实例) C （好词好句改写） T （作文提分句型 ） 授课日期及时段 教学内容 一、专题知识梳理 知识点1： 评分标准： 写话评分标准：作文共20分，其中内容为8分，语言为8分，组织结构分为4分。 (一) 内容： 8分 内容切题，意思连贯，表达清楚、完整。 6-7分 内容基本切题，意思大致连贯，表达基本清楚，但不够完整。 4-5分 内容不够切题，意思不够连贯，表达不够清楚，离题目要求较远。 3分 内容基本不切题，表达不清, 但属于考场作文。 1-2分 文不对题，表达不清，字数严重缺少。 和本题目无关，但不抄本试卷上的阅读文章。 (二) 语言： ① 拼写：每错扣0.5分，同一错误不重复计数。 ② 语法：同① ③ 标点符号、大小写：每两处错误扣0.5分，但标点符号和大小写的扣分总和均不得超过一分。 ④ 语言分最多扣8分。 (三) 词数： ① 词数不足30词者，得分最多不得超过8分； ② 词数不足40词者，得分最多不得超过12分； ③ 词数不足50词者，得分最多不得超过15分； ④ 词数在50-59词之间者，每少5个词扣0.5分； ⑤ 只写出个别单词、词不成句不给分。 第 1 页

(四) 组织结构： ① 内容充实，不写废话；上下文连贯、用语规范、表达正确、无或少见语法错误；词汇和句型句式运用恰当，多见好句型和习惯表达用语者，可给4分。 ② 一般情况下，内容和语言积累得分在14-15分以上者（含），方可得到2-3分组织结构分。 ③ 内容和语言在15分以下者，如文中有值得肯定的好的句型和表达，可酌情考虑给1分组织结构分。 ④ 通篇句型、句式单一。词汇贫乏者，即使无语法错误，一般不给组织结构分。 知识点2：写作步骤： 1、列提纲：列提纲包括（1）审题，确定文章的体裁和篇章结构，先后顺序以及侧重点（总-分；总-分-总）；（2）选材，选择最能说明主题且自己有话可说的材料，忌眼高手低选择深奥、偏僻、复杂的材料；（3）选写作方法，如举例，因果，并列，递进，正反对比，对照，时序等。 2、根据提纲写作，注意选词和句型，过渡句，衔接词。 3、检查：查词汇；查句型；查要点；查文采；查拼写 训练方法： 1、遣词：在正确的基础上选择具体的、高级的词汇。 2、造句：使用正确的、熟练的句型。恰当使用复杂句。能恰当表意的习语、谚语。使用连接词增加文章的逻辑性和条理性。 3、布局谋篇：主题句简洁明了，中间句丰富多彩，结束句首位呼应，提升主题。 二、专题精讲 马莞懿： Water is precious As we all know, water is one of the most important thing in our lives（生命可数，生活，不可数）. We can live without water because we use it to do the washing ,drinking and so on. But it isn’t enough for everyone to use. Although there is a lot of water on the Earth but 97% of the water is salty. （数据例证好！）So we must save it .First of all ,we can use water twice or more. For example, we can use the water to clean the rice and then use it to water the plants. The water after cleaning the rice has a lot of nutrition for plants. Secondly, we should turn of the tap when we don’t use. Last but not least, we shouldn’t pour the sewage into the lake. It may make the lake dirtier.（Chinglish表达尽量避免！） Water is important for every species on the earth. We mustn’t waste or pollute the water.(结尾再升华！) （151） 点评： 内容：结构合理，三个要点包含清楚。个别句子内容简单，需要多添加一些背景补充。-0.5 语言：个别拼写，语法小错(冠词the 滥用，earth大写)。-2.5 文采：+2 总分：15 修改满分版： Water is Precious As we all know, water is one of the most important resources in our life because we not only drink and wash with it, 第 1 页

but use it in agricultural and industrial production as well. ①（However, despite large amounts of water on the earth, only less than 3% can be used by humans, which is not enough for everyone at all. So we must save it .）②（First of all, use water twice or more. For example, we can use water after cleaning the rice to water the plants. It includes a lot of nutrition for them. Secondly, we should turn off the tap when we don’t use it. Last but not least, we shouldn’t pour the sewage into the lake, for it may dirty the lake. In all, let’s take actions to protect precious water!）③ 亮点分析： ① 一句话点明水的重要性。用状语从句because,并列连词not only, but…as well能把零散信息整合在一起。 ② 一句话点明缺水的原因。数据例证有说服力，which非限定性定从善用给作文加分。 ③ 三个措施三个连接词，层次分明，详略得当，dirty动词（把。。。弄脏），比make…dirty这种chinglish表达好。 三、专题过关 赵凯雨原文： At the moment, I smiled When it comes to the moment I smile most happily, I will certainly choose the visit to the home for the aged （The visit to the aged people’s home skips into my mind.）because I have learned a lot during the experience. Last week, my classmates and I planned to pay a visit to the old. We wanted to give some performances to them. My job was to sing an old song. As a result, （是过程，不是结果）I practiced very hard every night. Though I faced some difficulty, I managed to come across them at last. The performance turned out to be a great success. (how and why?细节描写缺乏。)At the moment, I smiled proudly because I could do something to make others happy. In addition, I realized that I should always do something for the people in need. To sum up, only if all the people feel happy, can I smile more often in the future.？ 点评： 语言：语言流畅，个别小错。-0.5 内容：结构合理，内容详实，但缺乏关键处细节描写，个别句子不通顺，结尾逻辑不通？ -2 文采：文采飞扬 +3 总分：16.5 满分修改版： When it comes to the moment I smile most happily, the visit to the old people’s home skips into my mind for I have learned a lot during the experience. Last week, our classmates planned to give a performance to the old people. My job was to sing an old song. Before that, I practiced very hard. When I sang the song in front of the old people, they listened excitedly and clapped for me warmly. (细节描写)At the moment, I smiled proudly because I could do something to make others happy. In addition, I realized that I should always do something for the people in need. How I hope to have more those smiling moments. (120) 四、学法提炼 第 1 页